A Sincere Letter To Those Who’ve Put the TARDIS first in their lives


Dear Friend,

Recently, I was astonished to find out that I had been replaced by an automated weather call system that alerted you that schools would be closed due to wind chills that could kill and snow that made travel dangerous.  Yes, I felt that my reporting was more personal and more reliable, but I understand and have moved on.  After careful consideration of my boorish attitude and actions (pouting and whining) yesterday, I realize that my jealousy towards an automated phone system was just utterly ridiculous.

Saying that, I apologize but I am now insanely jealous of the TARDIS and how it has permeated your life.

If we are to be friends (or even family), I think your love affair with the TARDIS needs to be moved to fourth place. Spouse, kids, me and then the TARDIS.  I understand if this is not a reasonable request, but hear me out.

Unlike the TARDIS, I do not keep you locked out with doors.  I don’t jump through time and space to make an appearance when I feel like it.  I don’t bring a doctor, I bring medicine.  I am only blue when you are blue, not all the time.  I can understand the need to have the TARDIS in your life because it serves a purpose, however, it seems to be crowding for the front of the line.  It is a little clingy and needy, if you catch my drift.

For example: “The TARDIS is bigger on the inside.”  That statement is ridiculous!  Nowhere is there more room than in my heart.  According to the 5th Doctor, the TARDIS is designed to look organic, like coral from a reef.  How FAKE!  I am never fake and I don’t wear disguises just to get close to you.  Three phones have been seen in use in the TARDIS as part of the machine in the revived series.  THREE PHONES???  Spoiled rotten!  I only use one phone because I am fiscally responsible.  The TARDIS is a liberal.  Even the 9th Doctor thought the dummy phone was just plain ridiculous since it was attached to nothing and served merely as an accessory.  You know I do not overly accessorize.

First the doors of the TARDIS can open with a snap of the fingers, then they can’t.  Talk about passive-aggressive!  And the TARDIS’ filing system is beneath the floor? Nice.  It puts all the important information and the drawings your kids give it in a place where people stand on it?  I, at least, put them on my fridge and show them off!

H.G. Wells entered the TARDIS. Agatha Christie was transported from the lake to the hotel.  Charles Dickens watched the TARDIS disappear.  Shakespeare didn’t see the TARDIS, or did he?  This TARDIS name-drops all the freaking time.  I would never do that!  If I met someone famous, I would get my photo taken with them and bring them over for you to meet, not just say I met them, or gave them a ride.  And if they were dead?  Come on, you know I would be all about sharing that info with you and not broadcasting it all over the BBC instead.

And the fact that the TARDIS thinks it’s a rocket ship too?!  Talk about a psychotic break.  You don’t need any more insanity in your life.  The WHOmobile was faster than the TARDIS could even dream of being, much like my 4.4 40-yard dash time.  The Doctor doesn’t need the TARDIS if he wants to get around.  He can go 105 mph in one of Jon Pertwee’s personal vehicles (it was registered #WVO2M).  The TARDIS doesn’t even have a license to drive.  I have full-coverage insurance, a chauffeur’s license and space for 8 people.  You really gonna choose the TARDIS over climate-controlled 4-wheel drive comfort in the middle of the winter??

You talk about mortal enemies…the TARDIS and I are as close to that as the pepper shaker and Georgian ballerinas wearing a Blue Peter badge.  Ask anyone – the TARDIS didn’t even make sounds until Season Two, Serial Three.  How can you communicate with that?  And the sound it makes now?  The vibration of a house key on a string of a dismantled piano is about as exciting to talk to as fingernails on a chalkboard.  At least I speak an actual language, not just make humming noises or ‘whish’.  I can listen too, something the TARDIS can’t.  It just processes.  No response, just sits there until you demand it does something.

I don’t care that the TARDIS has a main belt asteroid named after it by Brian A. Skiff in 1984.  George Orwell wrote a book ‘1984’.  I was alive in 1984.  It wasn’t a particularly spectacular year anyway.

Even China has banned the TARDIS.  Why?  Because it gives you a false sense of security by promising to whisk you away to other dimensions when we all know that there is only The State or Nation.  I am seriously beginning to wonder if you even know this TARDIS very well at all or are only infatuated with being such close friends with it because it matches your decor or you love geometry and the idea of living in a fantasy world.

So, dear Friend, I will wait until you decide if you can move me to number 3 on your list or if the TARDIS truly has taken over.  Let me know, because meanwhile the Doctor and I are going outside to make snow angels that may or may not kill you.

Sincerely yours,




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