Five things I do when I can’t sleep

For the majority of my life, I have been a chronic insomniac.  I’ve always been more of an afternoon person than a morning person.  It isn’t that I am scared to sleep in the dark; for some reason my Circadian rhythm has just never gotten the sun and moon figured out.

My mind tends to wander…a lot.
Here are five things I do when I can’t sleep:

Think about the characters in my latest book.

– Yes, those pesky characters like to act out scenes as my brain plays director, discovering what they have been sneaking around and cutting out of their scripts.


– This seems obvious to a lot of people, but the horror stories are the ones that help me nod off the quickest. Mainly because the horror I read is typically contained in a story that is over 400 pages long in a regular-sized book (thanks Stephen King).

Sing (in my head)

– I like to play a game.  I think of a recording artist and then try to sing at least one of their songs, completely at random.  Bon Jovi? “Bed of Roses”.  Pink Floyd? “Shine on You Crazy Diamond”.  Josh Groban? ” When You Say You Love Me.” Everything from Louis Armstrong to Etta James to Foreigner to Metallica.  There is no reason, just tons of rhyme.

Plot out a movie

– I will lay there in bed and think about some of the best movie elements I’ve ever seen and try to devise a way to include them in a single film.  I think I have figured out how to make a “Gone Girl” sequel that has Jennifer Garner going “Silver Linings Playbook” on Ben Afleck by learning to dance the Watuzi at a summer camp where Patrick Swayze’s ghost teaches her and she enters rehab with Sandra Bullock and Viggo Mortensen shortly after.  Loose working title, “Wow, are you GONE girl!”

One other idea includes Hobbits invading regular Earth and being led by a tiny Chris Christie who demands he gets breakfast, halfsies and all the meals but looses weight doing so, keeping a video diary of the experience on a GoPro camera.  He is nearly thwarted when Channing Tatum shows up and turns the whole thing into a Magic McDonalds event and money in g-strings replaces soggy, cold french fries.

Reinvent alternating current

– My feet are cold a lot. In bed, they feel like they are little blocks of ice.  To warm them, I use Tesla’s alternating current theory and rub them in a rhythm that would never help a band, but could single-handedly power my home for a month.  Typically the cat ruins the whole charge thing, though, as soon as she walks up and puts her nose on mine. Zap! And we start over as she runs to the end of the bed to regroup.

What do YOU do when you can’t sleep? Hmmm, maybe I should be wary of some responses I may receive…


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