Okay, I am not as politically-correct as the headline to this post. In fact, politics has zero to do with my holiday festivities -ZERO. I will be muting all political commentary from now until at least February 2016. I want to celebrate being me with you, being your very own unique self, for the next couple of weeks without silly interruptions.
I am American, and whether it’s Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or Festive Kwanzaa or Happy Hanukkah or just a time to be happy about the year that’s ending and the new one beginning, I am going to enjoy every moment to the best of my ability. And I want it to be a true, heartfelt expression of international good will. After all, how many opportunities do any of us get to just be free to be happy?
I suffer with seasonal depression. The pressure of finding the perfect gift nearly throws my transmission out of whack every year. I sound like someone should retire me to the salvage yard by December 31. Rattle, rattle – bang, boom, POOF! Add a cloud of smoke and a puddle of oil under the chassy.
By nature, I am the opposite of a scrooge. I like helping people find joy, especially in the small things. This year, in really small things (read: authors/writers are generally not dripping in cash). I have put off every act that resembles shopping to the final hours. I know this means I am now in peril of being caught in my Star Wars jammies at a local Walmart and having my photo on that infamous website we secretly visit and chuckle over in disbelief. And because of the depression, my hair may or may not stick up at odd angles.
This year I have revised my shopping list. Due to its nature, I feel it’s only fair to warn you that not only am I going to share it with you; I am going to share without revealing which of my friends, family or esteemed acquaintances will receive one or any of the items. Fun! I am only going to share seven items as well…and no, my book is not on the list.
Revised End Of Year Seasonal Giving List (in no particular order)
This item is one of my favorites and thank you to the company that manufactures it for allowing me to share it without threat of legal action for giving you free advertising…ahem. That it comes with not only the lady but six individual cats makes this a perfect gift. There are different versions, but this is my favorite because you can throw in a small bag of auto-clumping kitty litter as a bonus and really please the recipient of this gift. Urine smell is optional. (Crazy is a relative term here because plastic lives matter too)
Whether in a school, medical or public services setting, this is a gift that keeps on giving. Everyone appreciates someone else cooking for them. This unique gift item may or may not resemble you or someone you know. It may evoke PTSD-like memories (I hope not). It is sure to cheer the recipient once they find out that it comes with chili made with hot dogs from the day before, one small carton of 2% milk and a peanut butter sandwich…but only if you are good and finish your meals!
With this gift, I am neither advocating or disapproving of the consumption of animal products. For all the years I received SPAM, I thought this a perfect return gift full of heart. For those who have supported my writing of fantasy, there is bound to be shouts of glee over this gift. No actual unicorns were harmed in the making, but I can’t tell you the secret to the sauce without bursting the joy bubble and causing the rainbow to disappear. Be Radiant!
Wake up to end of the year elation sleepy heads! There is nothing better than breakfast in bed or the smell of crisp bacon, maple syrup and slightly-melted plastic as you pry your eyelids open to this clever clock that sounds just like a smoke alarm! If that setting is too unsettling, switch it to the gentler ‘sizzle sound’ and stretch out for an extra 5.5 seconds. Delicious!
This gift is perfect for the multi-taskers in my life. I know so many of you have always looked forward to carrying your plate of holiday goodies around “hands free” while reading an e-book and/or never having to locate the remotes to all of your electronics you never figured out how to program onto the universal one. Efficiency is a must these days. I know this will be a hugely popular item when you’re driving back and forth to work once the seasonal time period comes to a close. Shhh, but I saw this after a neighbor told me it allowed her to text, put on her makeup and drink her coffee without taking both hands off of her steering wheel.
For those who may be absolutely terrified of the clock but love fire safety, I grabbed a few of these. Never freak out over burnt toast, short-circuiting water heaters or wool sweaters left on radiators for hours and combusting again! I know your nerves are coiled like a Cobra, but ease back in your chair without fear as the soothing sounds of running water, cooing Cockatiels and shrieking Macaws fill the air instead. Optional features include: a swarm of mosquitoes, banana and coconut scent and alternating blue and red security vehicle lights. The bilingual speaking function is only activated in the event of a true emergency.
This gift may feature a cat or dog on the front of the packaging, but your completely lazy self can once again celebrate your obsessive germ phobias with this fine gift. I know – you’re a horse lover. Bless you! You are extremely busy, so I know that this true time saver will make your surly critter companion return for your love time and time again. You’re welcome. Batteries are not included, sorry.
For the lucky of luckiest on my list – you get me. I will move into your home or cardboard box, help you eat those grocery items, drink the fancy punch or sparkling cider, play with the kids’ toys, regale you with tales of my adventures with an epic slideshow in true antique style on your wall, pop the bubble wrap, flick packing peanuts and keep you from feeling an ounce of loneliness. In fact, if you are a bit short on rent due to the same-day cash loan you had to take out to buy presents, I can pitch in by bunking on a couch, cot or bean bag chair and tossing some of the State Quarters I hoarded for their aesthetic beauty and workmanship your way. Don’t thank me. It’s my pleasure.
Happy end of 2015, everyone. Get out there and have fun, enjoy yourselves and visit someone who finds you annoying. The best gift is the one no one can forget about.
And I genuinely wish you well. Let’s get together in the second or third week of January to share our stories. Until then, be the very best you that you can be. Hugs!