As a sports journalist, I have had some strange requests for interviews. I rarely turn down a legitimate request and the one I received on Saturday nearly blew my mind. After the disappointment I felt over the New England Patriots’ win of Super Bowl LI, the last thing I wanted to be reminded of was Tom Brady’s smug face. I realize that as an NFL journalist, I am really not supposed to show bias, but on my personal blog I can do just that and intended to.
Let me preface this interview. First, everyone that is familiar with the National Football League must, by now, be acquainted with the “story” that has been running the news wire that Brady had his Super Bowl jersey “stolen” from him. First, it was just a missing jersey. Then the rumors the Federal Bureau of Investigations was getting involved surfaced. Then allegations that the equipment manager had stored it and the missing jersey was found.
— NFL (@NFL) February 6, 2017
The latest news: Brady himself has created a “suspect board” that lays out who he believes may have taken possession of his jersey.
Then…the strange interview request…FROM Tom’s jersey!
Here, fans, is the full transcript, including the open request from the jersey itself!
Tom Brady’s Jersey (Aka The Jersey): Thank you for having me, Ms. Rivers. I just wanted to say that I am thoroughly fed up with Tom pretending that he has no idea where I am. His Instagram post is just ridiculous. Look for yourself.
First off, there is no way a freaking fictional halfling like Golem got his fingers on me. That guy can’t even hang onto his “precious”, so spare me the dramatics. Edelman? Edelman? The goofy dwarf could barely get his ego back to Earth in time to accomplish such a feat as “stealing” me from your locker. Tom, you may as well give it up. After Deflategate and Spygate, even I know that you are desperate to show off to Roger Goodell. I am all for sticking it to the Commissioner, but telling people I am lost is…well…frankly just embarrassing.
Rivers: Mr. Jersey, why are you so upset? Could Tom not have simply misplaced you and be unaware of your location due to the post-game excitement? After all, he had just executed an incredible comeback for a win.
The Jersey: Ms. Rivers, please. You are starting to sound like one of those Yinzers from Pittsburgh. Tom didn’t do any such thing as misplace me. The man is more interested in using the golden key to lock himself in a secret room to throw his body on a Beautyrest Black than keep an eye on my location. He is grossly negligent.
Rivers: So, am I to assume that there is more than a little hostility between yourself and Tom at this point?
The Jersey: (clearing his throat) Ms. Rivers, the first person that Tom should blame if I am not safely in his immediate surroundings is himself. He lets Giselle waltz in and just run the show like she’s a supermodel and then all that nonsense in the locker room. Bill was using words I thought only Mike Tomlin let fly. Ha, ha. Yeah. Obviously that isn’t the case. News flash back to Julian.
Rivers: You actually sound very bitter.
The Jersey: Well, look at this picture of me. Would you not be bitter??
For heavens sake, I am ON A WIRE HANGER!!!!!! And Tom played the entire game with the tag still stuck to my sleeve. He’s not Minnie Pearl. Get a grip, golden boy!
Rivers: Is there something you’d really like to tell Mr. Brady?
The Jersey: Yes, I want to share my open letter to Tom and thank you for the open forum.
Tom, you may be the greatest quarterback and people like Aaron Rodgers who plays for a team with an unfortunate name in a city that smells of Limburger and Cheddar may call you a G.O.A.T. I know what that acronym really means. It means that you resent anything that drapes your body during a victory that is more colorful, flashy and beautiful than yourself.
If you come back down from your elevated heights, I will use my real Twitter account to send you clues on a daily basis to help you track me down. All $500,000 and climbing of my worthiness. But, should you refuse to follow the clues…I will have no choice but to offer myself to the nearest Falcons fan for a quick, burning death in a bar-b-que grill while we recreate the burning of Atlanta.
Continue to ignore me. Continue to leave me in the cold and dark while you play games with the media and I will disown you.
Mark my words, Tom. I am no mere piece of cloth sewn with double stitching adorning your name upon my backside.
(Sudden end of interview as The Jersey exited the studio)
The Jersey may be interested to know that Mr. Brady has filed a police report, at least, to indicate how absolutely serious he is about retrieving the garment. Whether Brady, who used Instagram but has no Twitter account, will follow the clues remains to be seen. The only option for NFL fans is to continue to watch the drama unfold on social media.
— Brady Jersey (@RealTomJersey) February 26, 2017
Poll question (please answer in the comments field)
Will Tom Brady follow the clues to find The Jersey or not? A: No B: Yes
As always, we’ll keep you informed.